Part VI: DISillusioned
Framed on my desk in a plastic black photo frame, covered in a thin layer of dust, is a poem written by my first and second grade teacher, containing several couplets that relate to my elementary school experience. One of the first verses lauds my incredible "listening look," a quality I developed early in life during weekly readings of "Strega Nona" and still employ to this day in conversations with my girlfriend. Another verse provides the first evidence of the occasionally crippling anxiety that has afflicted me for much of my life:
"A trip to the bathroom as we left class, was something you never dared let pass."
You see, in elementary school, I refused to use any bathroom other than the one directly across from my homeroom on the first floor. Upstairs, near the auditorium and music room, hung a portrait of the founder's daughter, who had died at a young age and was said by students to haunt the upper floors, specifically the restroom. Thus, to avoid walking past the eerie portrait and being murdered by a malevolent being in the cramped, secluded restroom where nobody could hear me scream, I emptied my bladder every time we left my homeroom to the bafflement of my teacher, who ended up inquiring about my urinary issues at parent-teacher conferences. (This same teacher also had to pull me aside and warn me every time a fire drill was about to occur, because while all the other students would cheer and laugh as the alarm blared and we formed into a line, I would break into a cold sweat, heart pounding, knowing that this was the real one and around the corner lay a wall of flames that would engulf us all. You were a saint, Mrs. Lusk).
But I'm going off on a tangent here, because the line that I actually want to emphasize is this:
No one ever enjoyed Disney more than you, you seem to enjoy most everything you do
I won't speak on the latter part of that verse because it's depressing to think about. But in the first grade, I was so incredibly thrilled about my upcoming Thanksgiving trip to Disney that every day I would walk over to my cousin, who was miraculously in the same class as me, to express my excitement about our upcoming family vacation. This was in 2000, and I've been to Disney two more times since then, in both 2005 and 2018, and have enjoyed it thoroughly. So I wanted to offer up this line as proof that I am by no means a Disney hater. I have fond memories of visiting the park and will certainly visit again in my lifetime. With that being said, there is one thing I feel that needs to be addressed, a cultural phenomenon that has been exacerbated to an unbearable degree by the advent of social media: Disney couples. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. A year into our relationship we took what was our first big trip together, to Disney World. It was an exciting trip but at the time I didn't know it was the biggest mistake of my life. We've been back every year since.
Our upcoming trip in April had to be cancelled. While I was frankly relieved, my girlfriend has been devastated and won't stop talking about how we can move our plans to the fall. The thing is, I've come to hate Disney and despise my girlfriend because of her enthusiasm for it.
She always gets us stupid matching couples shirts that are incredibly embarrassing to wear. She also buys a set of overpriced Minnie ears each trip and has posted a photo of her wearing them EVERY year as if that makes her quirky or unique and not like every other basic bitch in Orlando. She also gets a photo of us kissing in front of the castle every year that she always shares on social media which is the lamest flex ever.
She thinks watching the fireworks over the castle is the definition of romance. I don't understand what's so romantic about it when every time there's some dipshit dad with his unremarkable kid on his shoulders blocking our view. My girlfriend knows I get annoyed by this but holds my hand throughout anyway like it's some beautiful moment.
She's obsessed with the princess dinners, which are for children. Every year we eat at this restaurant with Cinderella, who is always a smokeshow. And every year Cinderella walks over to our table and asks if we're attending the ball. My girlfriend thinks this is all so fun and imaginative but I don't see Cinderella. All I see is all the hot blondes in college who never looked my way living out a literal dream while I eat shitty steak tips and listen to screaming kids and pretend to be somehow entranced by all this while throwing away thousands of dollars.
The cherry on top is that I barely even get laid on these trips because every night she's so tired from a "long day at the parks" and we have to be "up and at 'em" for the next day. This past year she's been more excited about riding the Millennium Falcon than riding me.
I love my girlfriend but I just can't take the Disney bullshit anymore. Going there every year when there's a whole world to see doesn't make us a cute couple, it makes us fucking weirdos.
She has alluded to me proposing in front of the Castle numerous times and I would quite frankly rather heave myself from the Tower of Terror than do that.
I just don't know what to do. I don't even know how to approach it because she's such a fanatic about it that I know she would become extremely upset if I even suggested I don't like Disney as much as her. She thinks it's one of our defining things as a couple and it would break her heart if I told her how much I resent it. I have to put my foot down about this but how should I go about it?
edit: Holy shit I don't hate my girlfriend I hate Disney
tl;dr I'm tired of going to Disney every fucking year
Strangely enough, while I expected to be applauded for my courageous stance taken against Disney fanatics everywhere, I was instead accused of hating my girlfriend which I really don't get.
To my surprise, many also took issues with my discussion of Cinderella which was just good characterization.
Frustrated with how the internet had attacked my character instead of emphasizing the real issue of my grown woman girlfriend who's still obsessed with Minnie ears and princesses, I jumped in to defend myself:
And one thing I learned from all of this that being an Adult Disney Woman is an actual thing? Like something grown women identify as?
Like I said, though, I very much enjoy Disney. Of course it has its downsides, like the dipshit dads with their kids on their shoulders blocking views of the fireworks, or the assholes whipping around the park in scooters running over toes and bitching if you get in their way (I didn't mention this tidbit because I knew that Twitter, being the bastion of wokeness that it is, would be quick to accuse me of ableism).
But seriously, if you're one of those couples going to Disney every year when there's an entire world to see, walking around in Minnie ears and kissing your significant other in front of the castle as fireworks explode, I hate you.
Check out Part VII: Cold Brew Connoisseur if you hate Massholes.