Part VII: Cold Brew Connoisseur
When I think back to high school, and first the feelings of freedom that came with getting my license and finally being able to ditch the bus and drive to school, that freedom tastes a lot like Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. I feel like an absolute tool writing a sentence like that, but it's true. When I was 16, there was no feeling like rolling into first period a few minutes late with your keys jingling in your pocket and a caramel swirl coffee in your hand, or sitting in the bleachers at the high school football game breathing in the crisp autumn air and sipping on an iced pumpkin spice next to three girls who had long since left you in the friendzone.
I know that in some parts of the world the Dunkin diehard exists mainly as a laughable New England stereotype. And although I'm a far cry from the non-rhotic, no bullshit, backwards Sox cap wearing Masshole who needs his Dunks daily, I still have given Dunkin more of my money than they probably deserve, and am certainly guilty of using a love for coffee as an excuse to guzzle down beverages loaded with sugar and pumps of caramel syrup.
As an internationally recognized internet troll, I'm always looking for inspiration, and the other day it happened to strike in the Dunkin drive-thru. As I waited for the line to proceed, my gaze drifted to an advertisement plastered on the window for their latest rebranded product, the Charli, a caramel cold brew with whole milk. For those of you who don't know, Charli D'Amelio is a teenage dancer who has the most followed Tik Tok account on the planet, and I only know this information because of my girlfriend who was born in '97 and is a member of Gen Z and is thus far more uncultured than my Millennial self.
So anyway I saw the advertisement and, as all normal people do, immediately considered if there was a way that I could turn this innocent rebranding into an inflammatory /r/relationships or /r/AmITheAsshole thread. As it turns out, there was.
To start off yes I'm the stereotypical New England Dunkin aficionado and there's this Dunkin by my place that I hit every night before work. I only drink cold brew even in the winter because it's undeniably superior. My go-to order has been a caramel cold brew with whole milk. If you don't know where I'm going with this, congrats you still have brain cells.
So last night I rolled up to the drive-thru and instead of the graying lifer that usually works the window it was some squeaky high schooler who I could barely hear. I placed my my order and then she paused and then was like oh you want the Charli?
I said no. I wanted a caramel cold brew with whole milk. And again she's like yeah you want the Charli, that's the Charli. So obviously I was a little irritated at this point so I said I no I'd like the same damn drink I've ordering since Charli was in diapers.
She got the hint and put the order through and I pulled up and paid with my rewards perks. After I pulled away to inspect the coffee I saw that the dumb girl had unbelievably written "Charli" in flowery letters right across the top. Obviously that was intentional, and petty.
I parked and went inside and found the manager. I'm also a manager in the service industry so I was obviously respectful and informative but basically I let her know that her employees need to respect customers' preferences and that grown men don't want to deal with the stupid Tik Tok bullshit. I also told her I don't need my employees at my job thinking I'm into any of that vapid shit, or that I give a single fuck about Charli or Chase or any of that nonsense.
Since my language was a bit stronger than I'd intended the manager basically threw me out and told me to never come back even though I'm literally a regular. From a customer service standpoint I know I'm in the right, and the manager should have acknowledged their mistake. I know I used stronger language that I should have but I was provoked. AITA?
edit: I'm 27 not some boomer
For some reason, the internet took issue at a grown man being so incensed at the naming of a beverage after a Tik Tok star that he was banned from the Dunkin Donuts. Let's take a look at some of the turns of phrase that were particularly provocative:
Graying lifer/squeaky high schooler
Here were a few more gems:
Oh, and you can't forget the personal chats that I received:
And of course, no troll would be complete without doubling down in the comments:
And what sets apart basic troll posts from the truly great? Character.
And I'd like to end with perhaps the most validating comment about my talent as a writer that I've ever received:
That's voice, baby. And if you want more of that please check out Developer Duties in which an innocent downloading of Tinder leads to accusations of infidelity.
Please drop your email in the mailing list if you also think that cold brew is undeniably superior.