Part IX: Magic Erasers & Maxi Pads
Shitposting is a delicate art. I've written dozens and dozens of posts since that fateful night at the Holiday Inn two Decembers ago, yet far too many of them never see the light of day. Sometimes they're immediately removed by overzealous admins looking for the faintest signs of fakery, other times they break one of the million /r/AITA rules regarding their definition of "conflict" and are taken down then. As a result I tried toning down my posts for a while, but most of them ended up being too subtle. It's a fine balance to strike.
Another strategy for a successful troll is to take the more obviously satirical route, to write something obviously fake but funny and ridiculous enough to be forgiven. My first shitpost ever, I feel like my girlfriend doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm IHG Platinum Elite status enough, took this approach, though all of the subsequent entries in the series were a bit more grounded. This was mainly out of necessity: obvious trolls always resulted in almost immediate removal--which meant no comments and no chance of being shared on Twitter, and therefore no content.
Still, sometimes I can't be bothered to toe the line. Sometimes I just want to fuck around. I was on my laptop and an ad for Mr. Clean's magic erasers appeared on my feed and I immediately had a thought. It was over the top, outrageous. I knew it stood little chance of slipping by the mods, but I had to write it.
And the result was, well, explosive.
My girlfriend who is a beautiful person recently moved in with me after two years of dating. This is the most I've ever been around her besides the few trips we took as a couple before living together and for the most part it's been great.
The first time we stayed overnight someplace I remember spotting a couple of magic erasers in her purse. It struck me as odd but I didn't want to be rude and I figured she just brought them to wipe down any dirty surfaces in the room. But the thing is I never saw her clean anything on any trips despite the magic erasers nestled in her purse. One time I even purposely spilled a beer on the floor to see and all she offered was the hotel toilet paper.
So now she lives with me. And I can't help but notice that there's a stack of magic erasers in the cabinet under the sink. Like way more magic erasers than anybody would ever need unless of course they were wiping their ass with them.
To be fair she does keep the bathroom pristine--but her body is pristine as well, so you see the problem. It's maddening. I even left a tiny dot on the toilet paper in the bathroom to see if she's used it and it hasn't moved a centimeter--all this while the magic eraser stash under the cabinet steadily depletes.
I mean what the fuck do I do. This sounds like insanity. But the truth is right in front of my eyes. What do I say to her? Is a woman's personal hygiene something I should even talk about? I wish I had a magic eraser for this whole shitty situation.
tl;dr: I'm almost certain my girlfriend is wiping her ass with magic erasers
The post immediately spawned a heated debate about the merits of magic erasers as an ass-wiping instrument.
Other kind souls offered surprisingly wholesome advice:
Except for this person.
Some decried my communication skills:
Others lambasted my methodology:
Many women jumped to a different conclusion entirely.
I had to dispel the rumors:
But the responses only echoed a theme that was far too familiar:
In the uproar, however, were nuggets of wisdom. About the shortcomings of sexual education...
...and the superiority of bidets.
(which we still don't use over here in the states, for some reason, even after the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of March 2020).
And then, while I was relishing in the ridiculousness of this literal shitpost, I saw a tweet, the type of tweet that reminds me why I do what I do.
And that's how what started off as an absurd post about wiping one's ass with a magic eraser ended with props from the former CEO of Reddit herself.
In the interest of transparency, I should say that when I first conceived the post it was absolutely, one-hundred percent supposed to be taken at face-value. I had no intention of the magic erasers being mistaken for pads, but when the internet suggested it, the idea was too good not to run with. This is why you might have noticed the glaring paper towel dot plot hole, which kills me to this day.
As always, thanks for reading. Please sign up for my mailing list if you're enjoying The Shitpost Diaries, it's the single most important thing you can do if you're looking to support the blog. Check back in soon for Part X, "Grinch Kinks."