This past spring my girlfriend started her first "adult" job as a software developer after graduating in the fall. She's come a long way since we first met behind the concession stand all those years ago and I couldn't be more thrilled. She already makes way more money than I ever could have hoped to make out of college her salary is only going to go up.
Still, her ascent into the adult world has left things feeling a bit off-kilter at times: she's writing code for a telecommunications company from 9-5 while I'm doing the same thing I was doing alongside her half a decade ago, only this time I have a bit more responsibility and spend my free time attempting to evade Reddit bans in search of my next post, the one that will one day garner me the acclaim that I deserve. The crazy thing, though, is just as I believed in her all throughout college, even as she changed her major for the third time, even as begged me to help write (do) her papers for Intro to Film, she believes in me and the blog. So this one goes out to her, my teammate.
Back when I was single, I was never was really a dating app guy. This was before Hinge and Bumble and all these other apps with unique twists; when I was in college, everyone used Tinder. I downloaded it sporadically but always ended up deleting it because I never got any matches, although I did get hot and heavy with a bot once. I've since attributed the matchless phenomenon to the fact that all my pictures looked like they were taken by my mom and my bio that read, "I'll write you a love poem." I was also wayyyy too selective, like probably offensively so, but still not as selective as all the college girls who swiped left on me apparently because holy shit I have some attractive features — I at least chose pictures that brought out my eyes.
All this preamble to say I've been trying to do a post about Tinder for a while. I knew the premise had potential, but despite my initial attempts, I never could quite get it right. Then, the other day, my girlfriend texted me from work as she underwent her daily lunchtime Impostor Syndrome fueled meltdown, and, suddenly, my match was struck.
Sooo basically my girlfriend caught me on Tinder. And I know that sounds bad, but it's all a big misunderstanding. Let me explain.
I'm a UI developer. The company I work for designs mobile apps for other companies, and we were put on this project the other day. It's a big deal, and as such I wanted to make sure that the end product was executed flawlessly.
I decided to do some research in my off time, and made a point to download and examine the UI of every app that I could. I wanted to see what worked and what didn't. Social network apps, news apps, banking apps--you name it. I studied them all. And, stupidly, dating apps.
My girlfriend was using my phone the other day when she noticed that I had downloaded Tinder. She immediately started freaking out. When I finally got a chance to explain that it was for work, she calmed down a bit, but then she opened the app and immediately started crying because I, stupidly, had made a profile.
I explained to her that having an account was a key component of the app we were contracted to develop so of course I had to make a profile in order to fully evaluate the user mechanics, and it was no different than the accounts I had made for Youtube and Bank of America.
She trusts me and knows that I'm serious about my work, so she accepted this explanation, until she saw that I, stupidly, had actually matched with some women. I admitted to her it looked bad, but that I was truly trying to evaluate its functionality and my interest in it was strictly professional because if this project goes right the bonus I could get could change our lives. I wanted to get every perspective I could.
At this point I realized we were barreling toward the cliff and tried to avert disaster by explaining to her that before she opens my inbox, she should know that a chat component is a huge part of the upcoming project, and that she can also check my messages to Facebook friends and DoorDash delivery drivers because I was just a friendly to them.
She wasn't having it at this point, and stormed out of my apartment. I get it looks bad. I realize now that I should have left out the dating apps from my research, but sometimes I take work to seriously for my own good. Is this salvageable? Do you think if I showed her this post she would understand? Or is her trust broken forever?
edit: I guess it would be relevant to mention she has trust issues from a previous relationship
tl;dr downloaded tinder for professional purposes but girlfriend doesn't trust me
They weren't buying it.
There was also the vast conspiracy that immediately unfolded:
There was gratuitous use of one of my favorite descriptors, "gaslighting", because that means I absolutely nailed the subtext.
And those couple of responses that combined the internet's favorite buzzword with its conspiratorial ways.
I tried to respond to the criticism as honestly as I could...
^^^^
Here's a few more tweets that I loved.
**drops "nebulous user needs" in a sentence**
**can't recognize satire**
And I'll end it with a few comments that made the English major in me all giddy inside:
It ain't no accident, Samantha.
Please check out the next entry in the series, Magic Erasers & Maxi Pads, my shittiest shitpost yet, in which I bewilder women everywhere and get props from former Reddit CEO Ellen Pao along the way.