• Steve G

Part II: A Bangable Bitmoji

My second foray into the world of /r/relationships tackled a widespread but little talked about topic: Bitmojis being too hot. I like to think my own Bitmoji is an accurate representation of my real world self. My family members insist it's a little too beefy but that's not true. Still, a quick survey of my Snapchat friends will reveal dozens of Bitmojis more attractive than their real life counterparts. And this, I firmly believe, needed to be addressed.

So me and my girlfriend of course text a lot and like to send Bitmojis back and forth. I mainly like to use the "Send pics" Bitmoji which doesn't always work but she's always sending them, for good mornings, goodnights and everything in between which I think is cute.


Anyway yesterday she sends me a Bitmoji in the middle of the day. She must have updated it because this Bitmoji was HOT. Like it had flowing hair, these big, gorgeous eyes, and was wearing this tight, sexy dress that my girlfriend would never have the confidence to wear in real life.


Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend is beautiful, but this Bitmoji was legit flawless. So I just reply back, "Is that supposed to be you?" She replies, "Obviously," at which point I say it doesn't really look like her at all, and she should go back to her old Bitmoji that wore a cute coat and was, well, slightly pudgier.

She flips her shit. Starts saying I don't love her, I'm not attracted to her, and all this crazy shit. She told me to leave her alone and hasn't answered any of my texts even though I've been bombarding her with "I love you" Bitmojis since last night.

We've always communicated very openly about everything so I am just surprised that after being together for 2 years she reacted like this, over a Bitmoji. I mean seriously guys this could have been Emily Ratajkowski's Bitmoji, that's how perfect it looked. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Is this relationship salvageable?

tldr: told my girlfriend her Bitmoji was hotter than her and now she's pissed and not talking to me

Though I thought the post would receive a similar reception to my previous IHG post, it proved more controversial than I had expected. The ever woke users of Twitter were quick to tear me a new one, accusing me of poor communication and body shaming.

I was also accused of being sexually into cartoons which if you don't count Jessica Rabbit is absolutely not true.

Then, amidst the vitriol being spewed forth, emerged a single voice of reason:

But then, just like that, I was burned:

After being exposed, I determined I needed to move on: to a new account, and to a new subreddit. Fortunately, Reddit's Am I The Asshole? subreddit, in which users seek judgment at the hands of the internet, proved the perfect place.


Check out the Shitpost Diaries III: A Ravenclaw Reads Faulkner, where I went on to spawn a heated debate about the Harry Potter houses, while simultaneously getting William Faulkner trending on Twitter, just for the hell of it.