• Steve G

Newlyweds swept out to sea during wedding photos have to call it quits, right?


This video went viral the other day of a bride and groom taking photos on the beach and getting swept out to shore. Unfortunately it doesn't actually show the waves overtaking them which would obviously be the best part but it does show the before and after: one second they're posing with their backs to the water in what might be the most original photoshoot of all time, the next they're getting hauled to shore by lifeguards who actually had to do something for once.


A less cynical person than myself might look at this video and think, "Wow, that's scary!" or "I'm glad they're okay," or even "At least they'll have a funny story to tell for the rest of their lives" but I'm not that guy. In fact, I can guarantee you there won't be any "rest of their lives" because this marriage is doomed.


First things first these people are idiots. Couples are so notoriously meticulous about every detail of their wedding going perfectly: the seating arrangements, the music choices, the meal courses and a million other minuscule things, yet this couple was so shortsighted that they were unable to avoid breaking the number one rule of weddings which is don't get swept out to sea and almost drown.


I mean talk about a bad omen. If these people go on to stay married and have kids they're just mocking the gods. Poseidon saw these people posing for photos on his turf and was so outraged he tossed them out to sea like they were Instagram influencers taking selfies in front of a looted department store. That's not something you should ignore.


But let's say you don't believe in omens. Maybe Poseidon was just tired of all these assholes appropriating his culture to make themselves look more interesting than they actually are and it wasn't an indictment on them specifically. Let's say you want to chalk it up to bad luck or poor judgment and wish the couple the best. All that matters is nobody was hurt, right? Wrong. They're still doomed.


The husband failed. That's the only way to look at it. If it's my wedding day and my wife and I are suddenly plunged into the frothing ocean there's no way in hell I'm letting strapping, steamy lifeguards come to our rescue. I refuse to even sit anywhere near them when my girlfriend and I go to the beach because their bronze bodies make me so insecure. And you think that on my wedding day, after just saying vows in which I promise to love, care for and protect my new wife, I'm gonna let myself be rescued those same smug, sun-kissed seaside sentries who blow their whistles at me every time I take my boogie board out deep to catch a rad wave? If me and my wife are sloshing around in the surf and I see those red tubes coming toward me I'm going House Greyjoy on her ass and pulling us both under..


There's no way that couple is happy now. There's no way they're enjoying their new marriage. He's looking at her, wondering how he could marry someone who wanted to take pictures on a wet rock in a wedding dress (let's be real it was definitely her idea). She's looking at him, wondering how she could marry a man who in a moment of true danger disappeared like playoff Peyton Manning. And when they both lay down at night and share a toast to a future already lost, and he pulls her in and confesses how scared he was of losing her--of losing everything--and kisses her with saltwater still on his tongue, she won't be thinking of him--she'll be thinking of the tanned, toned arms that pulled her from the turning ocean, and the kiss of life that killed forever a once celebrated love.