• Steve G

Couple stranded in the Maldives claims it actually isn't that great

Source: They Were the Last Couple in Paradise. Now They're Stranded.


Let's start with this: these assholes left for the Maldives on March 22. On March 22, Italy was getting ravaged and many US states were beginning to shut down all but essential businesses. By the time these bastards hopped on a plane to paradise the NBA, NHL and MLB seasons had all been postponed. Myself and millions of other people were furloughed from their jobs. And I know this couple is South African not American but it was a worldwide crisis at this point; they were just too focused on consummating a marriage that will undoubtedly be plagued by poor-decision making to care.


To me, these people are on the same level as those dumbass college kids in Florida who refused to stop partying in place of a global pandemic. Some of those kids, at least, expressed remorse. But these bastards didn't just depict their circumstances to the media as some sort of hardship; no, they were actually rewarded for their stupidity: they're the only ones at the resort, and the ENTIRE staff has been retained to attend to them. Sounds pretty amazing, right?


Well, the newlywed Ms. De Freitas has a sobering piece of insight for us all: "Everyone says they want to be stuck on a tropical island, until you're actually stuck. It only sounds good because you know you can leave."


No, I'm pretty sure I'd be totally fine with being stuck on a tropical island. Because right now, I don't know what day it is. I've been wearing the same pair of pants for four days. I haven't seen my girlfriend in three weeks, it's been raining for the past week and I'm running out of beer and patience. I go to the store as little as possible because the six feet markers on the floors and the shoppers in masks freak me out. I can't read the news or browse Reddit or use social media without being reminded of the global pandemic I'm living through that is expected to peak in my state this week. Every slight cough from any member of my family sends me into a sanitizing frenzy, I consider the odds of my family members contracting it and their chances of fighting off on a daily basis, and the book that I decided to pick up this week conveniently features a protagonist under house arrest in a Moscow hotel.


You know the one place in the world I'd rather be right now? A tropical island. Drinking margaritas, eating steak and fish, soaking up the 88 degree sun while I recline outside of my bungalow overlooking crystal blue water next to the love of my life. That definitely sounds like a good place to be, right? Pretty much an ideal spot to wait out a pandemic when the rest of the world is confined to their homes.


The most egregious thing about this trashy article, for whom the writer deserves some of the blame for even attempting to paint this couple sympathetically, is how it exists side by side with news stories of refrigerated trucks packed with bodies and potential public park burials in New York City. At nursing homes across America, there are thousands of elderly men and women, many whose lungs are undoubtedly already damaged from years of cigarette use, unable to even speak to their families face to face and at a very real risk of contracting this virus and losing their lives from it. Yet, let's highlight a young couple stuck in the Maldives who have their whole lives ahead of them, have an extremely low chance of contracting the virus out in the middle of the ocean, and have nothing to do all day but snorkel, sunbathe, drink tequila and have sex with each other as the sun sets over the resort they have all to themselves.


Sadly, earlier this week, the couple had to be moved to another 5-star resort to wait out the travel ban with a few dozen other tourists from South Africa. But don't worry. The South African government said that they would cover most of the expenses. A true tragedy indeed.